The Catholic Church have incontrovertible proof that Donald Trump has been demonically possessed by the spirit of Malthus, an ancient chaos demon cast out by God to corrupt souls and wreak havoc.
Vatican investigators identified possession when Donald Trump significantly failed to grasp reality and tried to bend the world to his own understanding, spoke in tongues and displayed an insatiable and depraved lust, this combined with the impending nuclear Armageddon confirmed his demonic possession.
Cardinal Pious the Third said “The Church believes Donald was possessed about 10 years ago. This was when they first noticed a change in the firmament. Many misinterpreted the catastrophic, global, financial crises as bankers dicking about a bit. The Church now believes this was the first sign of possession by a Chaos Demon.”
The Cardinal added, “It’s only now the demon’s master plan has become known. Over the last ten years Malthus has been reaping the souls of those who secretly fought against him. His greatest victory was in 2016, when we lost; Ronnie Corbett, Burt Kwouk, Paul Daniels, Rick Parfitt and Arnold Palmer.”
A specially trained team will travel to the USA to perform the exorcism. Armed with Bell, Book and Candle they plan to trap Donald Trump in the Pentacle of Truth and Decency. An appeal has gone out to the faithful to send prayers, using a special 0800 666 666 toll number. This will help raise money to fund the fight against evil.
The Church believes once the exorcism is complete, The President will be physically unharmed and his mental state will return to the normal levels of misogyny, racism, homophobia and exploitation you would expect from a Republican President. One of The Exorcists added “He’ll be back shagging hookers in no time.” On the plus side nuclear Armageddon will have been avoided.
We approached Professor Bryan Cocks for a rationalist’s view on these events. He said whilst he was sure there was a perfectly rationale explanation for recent events, it certainly couldn’t make things any worse than they already are. In fact, things could only get better.
Categories: Trumpety Trump