Monkey News

Pensioners pump out prescription pills to kids

The Government’s austerity measures mean cash strapped pensioners have turned to drug dealing to supplement their dwindling incomes and to allow them to buy essentials, such as; scones, cake, liniment and Werther’s Originals.

In increasing numbers, The Grey Mafia (AKA The Grafia or The Cosy Nostrum) have moved into the illegal drugs market. Ironically, showing the entrepreneurial spirit,  of which the Conservatives, are so proud.The Cosy Nostrum are well organised. Operating on the varicose network, they use legitimate groups as cover, often joining Bowling and Bridge Clubs, Golf Clubs, Voluntary Organisations and working in charity shops in order to build up contacts and grow their influence. These regular meetings allow them to hide in plain sight, trading tricks and scams, drugs, contacts, setting prices and managing supply.

Known in the drug world by their pseudonym’s; The Godmother, Nanny E, Papa Ket, Oxy Moxy and The GramDad, they ruthlessly control the dark streets and tea-rooms of formerly prosperous seaside towns.

But there is profit to be made. Tramadol is a big seller, currently trading at One National Trust Membership a tablet. A gram of Ketamine is going for a ticket to Countdown and Fentanyl is priced at a nice pair of slippers per patch.

Vicious turf wars have broken out amongst these Grafia Families. Their favoured weapons being the tut of disapproval, stern finger of admonishment, the cleaning of the chin with a hankie and the most terrifying of all, the Zimmer frame to the big toe.

The Grafia ruthlessly exploit family connections and social media to set up distribution networks. Facebook allows easy contact with teenage relatives, who are then tempted in with offers of money, cake and ice-cream. Once in Nanna’s House, it doesn’t take long before the kids are off their tits on Tamazapan and Codeine.

When they are hooked, The Gramdad sets out the rules. Jack has now become a dealer. The kids need the drugs and the money, they can’t stop. Meanwhile the Opiate OAP’s get all the Lavender Water, Horlicks and day time TV murder mysteries they can watch.

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