Theresa’s Toe-tapping funksters have decided they are no longer prepared to dance to the Europop beat. Theresa and the May ‘B’ Knots have come up with a new, funky, disco style, “Clawhammer”. The sound of which has been likened to the screaming heard, when you repeatedly smash yourself in the face with a “Clawhammer”. Groupies confirmed this rhythmical, high pitched screaming style has been under development for the last two years.

The shuffling chanteuse recently arranged for the band to lock themselves away in Center Parcs, where the producers tried to create a relaxed environment in which musical harmony could be restored. Shortly afterwards, two of the band left, citing ‘Creative Musical Differences’.

The loss of the bands lead singer, Bangin’ Boris together with her drummer, David ‘Davie’ Davis was a blow to the group. Bangin said “There’s no way I’m dancing to that fucking tune.”

Harmonica Hammond came up with a new dance to accompany the release of “Operation Clawhammer”, which The May ‘B’ Knots hope will be a hit with disco fans. The dancers line up in rows and mime bashing themselves in the face with a Clawhammer, whilst screaming “What have we fuckin’ done?” in time to the music.

Her producers, ERG Records, hope this latest release will stop her recent slide down the charts and strike a cord with the record buying public.

Critics are divided as to whether this new style will be a hit with the kids. Many wonder whether these bands should be re-hashing 50’s and 60’s nostalgia pop at all. A spokesman for ERG Records said “Look, we are never going to win Eurovision, in recent years we’ve got less votes than Norway. We are no good at modern, forward looking creative, collaborative music so let’s leave them to it and stick to good old fashioned British Pop. Let’s dance, on the beaches, to our own tune.”

Whoever wins, it’s clear this battle for the dancefloor is not yet over.