Monkey News

Die you bitch, for f***s sake die

A man from Dorset stood accused, by former friends, of having seriously impaired moral judgement. Colin Adams (52) confessed, that since he was divorced over a decade ago, he has maintained a joint life assurance policy which would pay out £500,000 in the event his diabetic alcoholic ex-wife did the decent thing and popped her clogs before the policy expires next year.

Some friends, of the former couple, are dismayed by this complete lack of morality on this. Dane Davies said, “It disgusting, wanting her to die just for the money. I shouldn’t be surprised, though, he works in financial services, so I doubt he knows what a moral is.”

His ex-wife, now Alison Harris, responded in kind, “I’m shocked,” she slurred. “Half a million quid? If I’d known about this policy I’d have had the car brakes, on that old banger of his ‘fixed’ years ago.”

The couple’s neighbour, Alan Toogood, told us,  “It’s not just that he wants her to die purely for financial gain, he is setting her a deadline. He wants her to get on with it. This hanging on, it’s indecent,”

But not everyone took such a dim view of the situation. Dan Harris, current husband of the ex-wife, and odds compiler for a City spread-betting firm said, “I can see a deal here. It’s probably long odds against her dying in time. Diabetes and alcoholism are both nasty crosses to bear, especially together. The problem is I don’t see, at the current rate, a 54 year old woman kicking the bucket by next April. I think we need  to take action to lower the odds, and then split it, say a quarter of a million each? I’ll get Oddbins delivering daily and we can see if we can get cirrhosis of the liver on the death certificate in time.”

In unrelated news, sales of life assurance policies, amongst married couples are booming.

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