White House spokesperson, Sarah Wannabe-Elsewhere, announced the cancellation of Donald Trump’s State Visit to Ireland. The reason for the cancellation was not clear, leading to speculation it was to avoid further embarrassment to America by their President.
However, famous Dublin Songstress, Fishmonger and Street Trader, Molly Malone, claims the trip was cancelled to avoid Donald Trump having to pay years of missing child support for their, alleged, illegitimate love child, Ed Sheeran.
She alleges Mr Trump, on a previous visit to Dublin, really wheeled her wheel-barrow down streets broad and narrow and took great joy in sampling her fishy wares.
The Tart with a Cart, as she is popularly known, specialised in making customers feel so: alive, alive, Oh! It’s this which bought her to the attention of the young Donald Trump and, it’s believed, fostered his life-long love of women of easy virtue.
This clandestine affair resulted in the birth of the tubby little ginger fella, famed singer and well-known Irishman, we see today. Molly added, “It was awful, if it hadn’t been for his money I would never have gone with the shyster! But a girls gotta do what a gal’s gotta do, and I had to do him.”
She added “When I told him he was Ed’s father he gone and he left without paying his bill. So, as well as the child support he owes me for a dozen oysters, some cockles, winkles, a bucket of mussels and a dose of crabs.”
Sarah Wannabe-Elsewhere, claimed The President denied ever meeting anyone called Molly Malone and he had certainly “Never rummaged around in her fish shop.” She added, “Donald couldn’t be the father as he wasn’t ginger, as we can all see from his natural hair colour.”
The President has refused to officially acknowledge the tubby ginger singer as his son, claiming there is no likeness. Noted Irishman, Ed Sheeran was unavailable for comment.