Failed pantomine villain Catty Popkins has said she would like to go back to having money, please, after just two days of watching daytime TV and wearing pyjamas in Tesco.

The former professional bigot, who had previously claimed that poverty was a lifestyle choice,  says she gave her new circumstances a jolly good go for most of the first day before deciding that having no money, opportunity or hope isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

“Look, I’ve done it now,” she said. “I’ve started drinking Frosty Jack at 10.00am and bought an angry dog so it can eat my children. I’ve invested in trackie bottoms and tattooed my kids’ names into my neck. Based on all I’ve said about poor people in the past, I thought I’d fit right in – but apparently it’s not all about selling your furniture to buy meths because you’re too lazy to clean other people’s toilets on a zero hours contract for shitpence a day.

“So all things considered I’d like to go back to spreading hatred and lies on behalf of soulless billionaire publishers, thanks.”

Popkins said she had been invited to attend an interview but the DWP had not sent a car and was now refusing to give her any money. “Apparently I was supposed to get something called a ‘bus,’” she moaned. “I mean, what on earth is one of those? And have you been in a Lidl? Jesus.

“I know I may have hinted in the past that the former working class just need to pull their socks up, get on their bikes and look for work, but the thing is, with massive punative cuts to vital services and a complete lack of support infrastructure for those who need it most, I haven’t got any socks now, or a bike.

“If anyone has a vacancy for a dead-eyed sociopath to invent false stereotypes, blame minorities for the greed of the ruling class and sow division in society, please let me know. I’ve learned my lesson. It’s shit here. Please have me back.”

Impartial observer Brittany Public said: “Hang on a minute, let me see if I care. No… nope, don’t care.”

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Written by Rhesus Mogg

With a penchant for wordiness, a love of real ale and sharp wit we are wondering why Rhesus is slumming it at Chatty. Although we are glad to have him, especially at opening time.