Amazon to increase customer delivery updates to every five minutes

In order to improve the customer fulfilment experience, Amazon have decided to increase the ordered items email and text updates, to every five minutes.

Focus groups determined customers experienced anxiety, when dealing with an Amazon order, by not knowing the location of Granny’s £4.99 slippers every minute of the day.

Aryan Air’s works do would have been fine if it hadn’t been for those pesky kids

Arayan Air have found themselves in another race row after their works do, held in Newtownards, was mistaken for a KKK Rally.

Barry Gammon, spokesman for Aryan Air, said, “It wasn’t our fault, again.  We planned a works night out with a fancy dress theme and a pub crawl. As it was Halloween, and everyone would be in grotesque costumes, we decided to go as spooky ghosts. For some reason everyone thought we were in KKK costumes. “

Hey Ho Hop artists, The Somerset Paddy Ticklers are surprise favourites to win big at the MTV (EU) Awards

Sunday 4th November sees the annual MTV (EU) Award ceremony, to be held in Bilbao. This year’s ceremony looks like throwing up a surprise or two with traditional English counter-culture band, The Somerset Paddy Ticklers tipped to pick up a couple of awards. 

The NRA send thoughts and prayers to victims of America’s latest mass shooting in (insert location)

Right-thinking members of the NRA are tonight sending their thoughts and prayers to the victims of America’s latest mass shooting at (insert location)

Billy Bob Williams, on behalf of the NRA, immediately held a mentally ill person who would’ve done it anyway, responsible. And he was probably a Muslim, wasn’t he?