Manchester University’s No Clapping policy to be extended to Old Trafford

Old Trafford, home of Manchester United, has decided to follow the lead of Manchester University by banning clapping from their ground.

The academics have decided the noise generated by everyone clapping creates an intimidating atmosphere, which means those of lesser ability, talent or just lacking pride, passion and backbone feel undermined and less able to reach their full potential. 

Scott Simpkins, a life long fan, said, “Well, that certainly sums up the team at the moment.”

He went on to add, “No, clapping hasn’t been banned yet, it’s just we haven’t seen anything this season that’s worth applauding.”

One former player said, “As long as I can remember it has always been Mourinho’s strategy to bore the opposition to death. We used to play exciting, attractive, attacking football, now we couldn’t find the oppositions half with an A to Z and a Tom Tom.”

He went on to add, “We used to walk into a thunderous rendition of Glory, Glory and now its 4′ 33″ by John Cage. There’s more atmosphere at a funeral. Adopting the no clapping policy won’t change anything.”

A spokesman for Manchester United confirmed the ban on applause will be extended to include the players, thus stopping them from using a sarcastic clap, as it, “Undermines the authority of the bastard in the black.”

Supporters will be encouraged to use hand gestures, such as jizz hands, to show their opinion of what is happening on the pitch. Mastering this skill shouldn’t pose a problem for the fans, as many of them are already experts in vigorously shaking their right hand up and down.