Monkey News

Is Theresa May’s new Suicide Minister planning to run around Beachy Head shouting “Don’t Jump!”?

On world Mental Health Day, Theresa May chose to announce the appointment of a Minister for Suicide Prevention.

The announcement was not accompanied by any figures relating to budgets and targets for the office and the title was added to an existing health ministers job role, prompting one commentator to note, “What is she going to do, run around Beachy Head shouting ‘Don’t Jump’ at the top of her voice?”

The government dismissed claims this appointment was made up on the spur of the moment, as part of the new ‘Caring’ Conservatives policy, simply to get headlines. “We do treat this issue seriously, which is why we’ve done nothing about it for the last 8 years.”

Allegations of under-investment by the government, into mental health care were waffled away, with one Tory saying, “We don’t spend money on mental health, it’d be a waste, sufferers don’t vote.”

One reason put forward for the creation of the new post was to address the prevailing mood of depression and despondency within Theresa’s own party. Given her slim majority Theresa, cannot afford for too many Tories to lock themselves in the study with the port bottle and a revolver. Rumours that Ms Doyle-Prices first visit was to Boris’s house, via The Kensington Shooting Club, were unfounded.

Seasoned observers wondered that, if the Government was serious about addressing the rising suicide rates, they should perhaps consider the effects of their policies over the last 8 years and give the minister a budget, staff and realistic targets.


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The Samaritans are open 24 hours a day. Call 116 123 or email; jo@samaritans.org

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