Month: November 2018

Become an Ordained Minister of The Church of The Chatty Chimp and get a slot on Newsnight

Here at The Church of The Chatty Chimp we take our ministry seriously. In an effort to meet rising demand for crackpot monkey based religions, we need to increase the number of Primates, preaching the Gospels of Cheetah to the faithless.

No special knowledge or educational background is required, as full training will be given. Those with a fear of heights and an aversion to playing with their own poo need not apply. Continue reading “Become an Ordained Minister of The Church of The Chatty Chimp and get a slot on Newsnight”

Santa’s end of year review puts Theresa on The Naughty List

Loud foot stamping could be heard resonating through the Houses of Commons last night, after Father Christmas confirmed he wouldn’t be granting Theresa May anything on her Christmas Brexit wish list.

At twenty nine pages long, Theresa’s wish list appears to be too much work for Santa and it’s looking increasingly likely that Father Christmas will pass over Downing Street altogether. Continue reading “Santa’s end of year review puts Theresa on The Naughty List”

With all the money in football why do some players still have to buy their own steak bake?

As the television broadcast revenues continue to pour in and the game gives birth to ever bigger, richer stars questions continue to be raised not only about the sustainability of the current model, but the fairness of a system of such inequally distributed wealth.

Chippenham Town Supporters Club Chair and sole member, Dave Bingham, had this to say on the issue, “It’s a real problem at the moment. Some clubs just seem to have all the money. There’s clubs at the top end of the league that aren’t even collecting subs, other sides have four stands arranged around the pitch, I’ve visited clubs where they don’t even share the ground with a local under-11s team.” Continue reading “With all the money in football why do some players still have to buy their own steak bake?”

Following the successes of the latest Martian landing NASA publicly thank the Thoughts & Prayers team for all their help

Following the safe landing of NASA’s latest Mars explorer, Insight, on to the surface of Mars, NASA wanted to publicly thank all those who made it happen.

Andrew Jackson said, “The landing would not have been possible without the hard work, dedication and expertise of all of those working on the praying team. Without their constant kneeling, praying, bible reading, beseeching, invoking, pleading, finger crossing, Facebook likes and candle lighting, the mission would not have been a success.Continue reading “Following the successes of the latest Martian landing NASA publicly thank the Thoughts & Prayers team for all their help”

Tory MP proposes letting children fight for lunch time food

A crisis has erupted in East Midlands Schools, after a local councillor suggested the need for a major overhaul of their policy on school lunches.

I really feel” said Councillor Iain Lloyd-Dudley, a woolly minded, Guardian reading Liberal, “that it’s about time we seriously considered offering the children some healthy, nourishing food during the day.” Continue reading “Tory MP proposes letting children fight for lunch time food”

The Chatty Chimp is owned and operated by Chattychimp Ltd