Monkey Business

Management and Staff Training Courses are not a cults says Chief Visioneer, Charles Daniels

Chief Visioneer, Charles Daniels, denies claims that Management and Staff Development Programmes are cults,  using pseudoscience to create corporate drones from businesses that should know better.

Mr Daniels explained, “It’s not unreasonable for a companies, such as RoBSu Bank for example, to  want fully envisioned staff. The Bank realises meaningfully engaged, and inspired workers are good news for The Bank, its customers and The Bank. I know that for the enormous fee I’m charging them I’m certainly energivisioned for positivation at  150% of capacitational awareness.”

Matt Carson, ex-fiancée of a Junior Manager, said, “It was horrible, we’d a great relationship until she went on that course. After that we dropped our friends and started seeing Bank people. She’d spend the evening working on the next ‘team building’ project, doing unpaid overtime and working on her perceptual attentionality, narrative framing and rationalistion, and her ‘goalification’.”

“Her language changed, now she was ‘smashing it’, ‘dialled in’ and ‘laser focused’, everything was awesome and fantastic. She started Power Dressing in a way that was aligned to her personality grid.” he said.

Clearly exasperated, he said, “The last straw was when I had to go in for an interview, with The Bank, to see if I fitted in to their corporate philosophy.”

Matt explained that he felt that his fiancée was brainwashed. She lived only for the Bank, she gave up friends, family, hobbies and most importantly fun. We even  had a performance chart in the bedroom, “It kills the moment.” He added, “I blame The Apprentice.”

Mr Daniels said it was not uncommon for relationships to change after people had been through ‘The Programme’, their expectations, visions and goals had changed. They’d a wider and more adaptable skill set which would help in the wider world, which was useful as The Bank had just made them all redundant.

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