Monkey Games

As Wayne Rooney wends his way to his retirement home the FA lines up a grand finale

This week Wayne Rooney will take a break from slaying the North American Soccer League (aka ‘Sunshine Meadows Retirement Home for the Slightly Too Slow to Play in Europe’) and return to the land in which he made his name.

This is, of course, in order to celebrate his international highlights; getting sent-off against Portugal and performing shambolically over a succession of major tournaments.

Given the inevitable success of this farcical farewell, the FA are already looking into the possibility of bringing back some other former England stars for similar send-offs. FA spokesman and former vampire hunter, Lloyd Lionel-Brown, was on hand to tell us more.

“We’ve already drawn up a shortlist of appropriate stars who deserve a proper send-off from the international scene. There are literally hundreds of internationals with a record in competitive fixtures to rival Wayne’s, and we hope to honour them over the coming months.”

He added, “We recognise the efforts of former Everton midfielder Leon Osman, for example. Just like Wayne he started out at Everton, took the field at Wembley and, most pertinently, he too never turned up at any major tournaments. We hope to set up a friendly against Japan in which we can say a proper goodbye.”

“Similarly, Matthew Upson who, we must not forget, has scored more world cup goals than Wayne, we are hoping to invite Nicaragua over to play on the hallowed Wembley turf. What a night of celebration that will be.”

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