A week has passed and the world has scarcely recovered from the shock of Salah United’s appalling collapse against Red Star Belgrade. This was the Champions League’s greatest upset since Manchester United’s stunning triumph against Young Boys of Bern, in the first round of matches.

However brightly the Red Star may have shone that night, Liverpool’s misery has rightly been identified as spewing from an entirely different source. Namely, their blasphemous captain James Milner.

Footage has emerged, which appears to show James ‘Judas’ Milner being asked to choose between two colours for the coin toss; the first RED (colour of blood, Liverpool FC and weddings in Game of Thrones), the second BLUE (colour of NYPD police uniforms, Pepsi and Everscum FC). Judas, in a shocking act of betrayal, opted for blue, lost the toss, and the rest is history.

Milton Armitage, curator of the Museum of Kenny Dalglish, founded in his mother’s garden shed in 1989, said fans were split on what to do. “Obviously, our first thought was a good old fashioned Scouse lynching – from the same lamppost where we left Djibril Cisse. Then we thought we might send him the way of many of our brightest youth prospects – by which I mean to the Conference North by way of a loan spell at Coventry City.

He went on to say, ” It was then we realised the answer was staring us in the face, there was only one thing to do, offer him to Manchester United.”

Jose is yet to comment on the move, though sources close to him say he has been a little preoccupied lining his hotel room with tin foil and keeping up his shrine to David Batty.

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Written by Alain Sheerer

Alain Sheerer has recently joined the troop as our Sports Correspondent. Someone has to do it.