The Church of England braced itself for condemnation today as senior figures admitted that atheists and other clear-thinking people have been offered the controversial behavioural conditioning treatment known as “Atheist Conversion Therapy”.
An off-shoot of the Churches controversial “God Hates Gays” mental reprogramming course, it has attracted condemnation as it seeks to undermine rational, evidential based thinking.
“I’m just a normal, averagely intelligent, law-abiding, atheist,” said Brian Nazareth. “They want to turn me into some kind of weirdo and tried to make me think I was dirty, indecent, evil and that me and my children are going to hell.”
Others are coming forward with similar experiences. “They can believe in fairy-tales if they want to. I’m not unreasonable,” said a Mrs Welby from Kent. “I don’t want to be a Christian. I’ve enough on my plate protesting about all the lorries parked around here.”
Mrs May, from Maidenhead, said, “I’ve spent the last two years pretending to believe in God, my dad was a vicar and it’s in my job spec. It’s expected that people in my line of work are seen to believe in these things. You can’t be a good politician if you go around caring for the poor and unfortunate, look what it’s done for Jeremy Corbyn.”
She added, “I did try the conversion therapy but it didn’t work. As long I turn up at State Occasion’s, Royal Weddings, Poppy Day and Xmas nodding, kneeling and mouthing the right words I will probably get away with it, I’m quite well practised at it.”
A spokesman for the Church said, “It doesn’t really matter if we convert anyone or not, as long as the politicians give us tax breaks, seats in the House of Lords and hide away all the paedophile priests we should continue to get away with it. ”
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