A school in Birkenhead this week has come under fierce scrutiny after Ofsted inspectors, found that the Robbie Fowler Academy had only been formally testing its pupils four, and sometimes as few as three, times per week per subject.

John Johnson, the Ofsted inspector sent to investigate these shocking allegations, spoke out; “This is unacceptable. In some classes pupils were being given time to study and learn before sitting tests, in other classes the scores were not tattooed onto the flesh of the child in question, despite being a completely objective measure of how much the pupils are worth.”

He cited an example of poor teaching practice, “I watched an art lesson in which little Timmy Thompson drew a completely sh*t apple. Rather than beating him to death with a heavy stick, the teacher gave him some advice on how to draw better apples. We cannot afford for teachers to spend this much time polishing turds. What they need to focus on is improving their pupils’ ability to copy things directly from the board, sit quietly for long periods, and, where necessary, doodle rude images on the underside of desks.”

Johnson has recommended the school be closed immediately, until all the staff have been rounded up, taken out and shot. The school will then be doused in motor oil and set alight. The ashes will be incinerated themselves, and a pit will be dug on the site in to which rubbish will be poured on a daily basis. “The school” Johnson said, “Have bought this one themselves.”

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Written by Alain Sheerer

Alain Sheerer has recently joined the troop as our Sports Correspondent. Someone has to do it.