In spite of the largely derisive atmosphere surrounding the lanky Spanish forward, Chelsea FC have revealed this week that they not only plan to keep faith with him, but that they have big plans for their all-time record signing.

After his horror miss against Bosnia while on international duty, Sarri was quick to leap to the forwards defence, “Look, it’s not easy to score from four yards, you have to really be able to control your legs. Some strikers can do this, some have other qualities, Alvaro is great, he always tidies up after himself and he’s very polite.”

Asked what he intends to do with the misfiring striker, Sarri had a clear answer, “The future is very bright for Alvaro. We will teach him many things. This week we are going to try and teach him the offside rule. Next week I have plans to show him some videos of Usain Bolt’s appearances for Central Coast Mariners, to give him an idea of the sort of level he can reach with a lot of work and effort.”

Quizzed on whether it mightn’t be wise to give Olivier Giroud a chance up-front, given that he is not so grossly incompetent, Sarri backed Morata to rediscover his finest form, “I firmly believe he can be a three or even four goal a season striker. You may mock and sneer, but Andy Carroll would kill for those sorts of figures. People bang on about Pele, but over the last ten years Morata has been much more prolific.” It’s hard to argue with those kinds of statistics.

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Written by Alain Sheerer

Alain Sheerer has recently joined the troop as our Sports Correspondent. Someone has to do it.