Monkey News

Become an Ordained Minister of The Church of The Chatty Chimp and get a slot on Newsnight

Here at The Church of The Chatty Chimp we take our ministry seriously. In an effort to meet rising demand for crackpot monkey based religions, we need to increase the number of Primates, preaching the Gospels of Cheetah to the faithless.

No special knowledge or educational background is required, as full training will be given. Those with a fear of heights and an aversion to playing with their own poo need not apply.

The main requirement is a steadfast belief in the made up mumbo-jumbo of our Lord and Saviour, Cheetah. An all encompassing faith in the power of the Ape, coupled with a burning desire to advance the cause of all things Apish.

Once ordained, your ministry will take you to all parts of the country where you can engage in dialogue with other Ape based life forms. Bringing the good news of Cheetah’s vision of Monkey heaven, with its tyre swings, hammocks, giant bananas and an everlasting supply of peanuts.

In order to help spread the word new minsters will be offered slots on the BBC’s flagship current affairs programme, Newsnight (not guaranteed). They’ve confirmed that any form of internet based ordination into a religious cult meets its eligibility criteria, although they do favour those with right leaning views.

Once you’ve achieved national prominence for an entirely reasonable belief in the colour purple, appearances on BBC Question Time, HIGNFY and in The National Enquirer will follow.

Apply using #OrdainMe on twitter, or visit The Chatty Chimp on Facebook. You will then you may receive notification of your enrolment into our troop, The Church of The Chatty Chimp.

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