Month: December 2018

HMV’s Grift Voucher Scheme will sell peerages, financial favours, ferrying contracts and government influence as part of a daring rescue plan

HMV’s  administrators have come up with a cunning plan to help save the beleaguered retail chain. With the assistance of the Government, HMV will now be selling gongs, medals, peerages, £14 Million Ferrying contracts and Ministerial access.

Ian Napton, of VR Administrators, explained, “We had the idea when the story broke about the government selling off peerages to try and get Theresa May’s Brexit deal through Parliament.” Continue reading “HMV’s Grift Voucher Scheme will sell peerages, financial favours, ferrying contracts and government influence as part of a daring rescue plan”

For Auld Lang’s Syne, one more beer won’t hurt

Widespread confusion is engulfing the country, in the aftermath of Christmas, as people struggle to come to terms with reality. Millions have been spotted wandering the streets aimlessly, glassy-eyed, with slightly jaundiced complexions.

Alarming issues, such as not knowing the day of the week and having empty food cupboards, save for a discarded Christmas cake and stale undercooked turkey, have thrown the nation off balance. The most puzzling question is; Can we crack out the alcohol at nine in the morning? Continue reading “For Auld Lang’s Syne, one more beer won’t hurt”

Hers’s to a very Happy New Year Everyone, have a wonderful 1956

With 2019 around the corner, details of life post-Brexit are emerging.

From 30 March, Britain will be moving back to the much less complicated 240 pence and 20 shillings to the pound approach to money. Guineas, two bob bits, sixpences and farthings will all be making a comeback, replacing the hideous European 100 pence to the pound idea which Brits have had so much trouble coping with over the last 48 years. Continue reading “Hers’s to a very Happy New Year Everyone, have a wonderful 1956”

Dr Fuchs announces that the Anglo-American swear word trade deal is ‘fu**ing done’

Dr Liam Fuchs is delighted to announce the completion of an Anglo- American trade deal to secure the free exchange of swear words.

This deal secures loads of jobs in northern marginal constituencies, where the use of swear words has a rich cultural heritage. Continue reading “Dr Fuchs announces that the Anglo-American swear word trade deal is ‘fu**ing done’”

Teenagers suffering anxiety, depression and PTSD as parents disconnect the WiFi over Xmas

NHS 111 was on red alert last night, after experiencing high call volumes, from teenagers suffering with mysterious ailments.

Ageing relatives insisting on WiFi lockdown, to play ‘good old fashioned’ festive games, is thought to have created panic and shock like symptoms amongst the youth. Continue reading “Teenagers suffering anxiety, depression and PTSD as parents disconnect the WiFi over Xmas”