Monkey News

Santa Claus to be banned as he has a negative effect on the health of children

The Department of Health have called for the banning of the popular seasonal character, Santa Claus, as he sets a bad example to children.

Dr Arthur Maynard, from The Ministry, said, “Santa is clearly not in the best of health. Given his diet of neat spirits, cakes, pies, it’s hardly surprising. He gives all of his vegetables to his reindeer. He’s borderline alcoholic, his ruddy red face suggests a serious heart condition, which isn’t surprising given his weight problems. He clearly has diabetes, and there’s no way his current diet controls his glucose levels.” 

He added, “With all the weight he’s carrying, climbing over those roofs lugging his heavy sack about can’t be doing him any good at all. Its a good job he only comes once a year, any more and he’d have a heart attack.”

The Ministry claim that bombarding children with relentless images of an over-weight, middle-aged man with a drink problem who is always happy and smiling gives children unrealistic health goals.

Research shows that areas of the country where Santa is particular prolific, e.g. Scotland and The North, show the health profile being repeated. It’s full of over-weight, alcoholics who don’t even know the meaning of the word ‘lite’.

Charlotte from Bury said, “That’s  it, I’ve just about had it with these do-gooding tossers. Is nothing sacred? I’ve spent a fortune on the kids presents this year and someone’s got to deliver them. If they think it’s going to be a vegan in joggers drinking a a sprout smoothie, there’s going to be trouble. The kids expect to see a short, fat, jolly man with a beard at Xmas, which is why I married their dad.”

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