Monkey News

“Bah! Humbug! Why can’t I sleep?” cries Ebenee May

After a day of parliamentary nightmares, Ebenee May has been plagued by ghoulish visions, rattling chains and things going bump in the night. Experts have been drafted in to help Ebenee sleep at night.

The unearthly spectre of David Cameron disturbs her slumber, showing  her the consequences of Christmas past. She lies awake, besieged by hostile immigrants, street riots and the Windrush generation but, owing to service cuts there’s not a police officer to help.

Suddenly the dream changes, the fearful apparition of Boris Johnson materialises, whisking her through Christmas present, with a jeering parliament and to universal hated from the nation. She’s devoid of allies save for her two loyal supporters, Bob Cratchitt and Tiny Tim.

Sadly, Bob was unable to back her Brexit Bill, as he was trying to complete his universal credit form and Tiny Tim had collapsed from hunger. He couldn’t be saved, not with the local hospital being sold to the Yanks and turned into retirement flats.

Then Jacob Rees-Marley appears, revealing Christmas Future. Diane Abbot is now Home Secretary, all the borders are open, no-one is in jail and she is wearing awful shoes. Meanwhile Jeremy’s in his allotment, rattling the Chequers keys and singing The Internationale.

Jacob screams, ‘‘Is this what you want, Conservatives out of office and Lefties and Liberals on every corner, increasing taxes and giving to the poor? Because that’s what will happen.” 

‘‘Bah! humbug! I haven’t got a conscience, I don’t care if everyone hates me, I’m not budging.’’ screams May, ‘’I’m delivering the will of the people, they love me, no one can stop me. I know what’s best for them.

Faintly in the distance can be heard the sound of Maggie, chuckling…

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