Monkey News

Jacob Rees-Mogg welcomes the return of the Frost Fair

Once again The Daily Express warns of the impending Snowmageddon, with an annual dip in temperatures and the sudden arrival of wintry conditions.

One notable, Jacob Rees-Mogg, has welcomed the news. “Winter brings with it not just snow, ice and chaos, but also opportunity. The chance to revive the age old  Frost Fair, on the Thames, once such a feature of my childhood, I regret my progeny have been unable to partake in such festivities.”

According to the Daily Express, this winter is going to be the coldest winter since last year’s promised freeze. Their headline, “Wat Global Warming?” has attracted much condemnation, and a lesson in generalising from a small data set, by a bunch of educated kill joys.

The organisers say they’ve been inundated with messages of support from those keen to be involved from impoverished street urchins, pickpockets, wandering minstrels, purveyors of viands, poachers, carousel owners and some bloke who wants to sell 10 lighters for a pound.

I’ve given each of the children a Guinea to spend. Decimus Maximus said he wants to save his and Augustus wants to give his to the poor. I’ve taken his Guinea back and sent him to his room to think carefully about what he wants.” said Jacob.

Ian Napton, noted man of reasonableness, said, “Look, The Express comes out with this rubbish every year, it’s like they’re not even trying. Every once in a while they are going to be right. However the Thames won’t freeze over, not even sufficiently to bear the weight of a Rees-Mogg or the ghost of Diana.

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