School cancels school disco due to outcome specific non-positive performance data

A Surrey school has been forced to cancel their Year Nine school disco after the Senior Leadership Team, looking into the efficacy of the event, made a shocking discovery.

Mary Whittaker, the school’s Head of Dubious Decisions, explained the choice, “We were very careful in approaching this, we analysed all the data from the last eight years and found no correlation between students attending the school disco and eventual outcomes. For the same reason we have cancelled sports day, after-school badminton club, PE and school lunches. There is just no proof that children who eat are guaranteed a grade nine at GCSE French.”

On the back of this decision, Whittaker’s colleague, Duncan Smythe-Smith, the school’s Head of Situational Motivation, has pushed the school to make even greater changes, “I sent out a student voice survey and the results we had back were shocking. Far too many of our students actually seemed to be enjoying school, one or two even claimed they really felt they were ‘getting something out of it’, obviously this is completely against our wishes, which is why we opened the mines.”

The recently opened Central Surry Diamond Mine has yet to reap any rewards, though Smyth-Smith is confident, “We’ve abolished all the non-core subjects – like Maths, Computer Science, Music and Drama – and replaced them with mining. The children work in teams of eight on 11 hour shifts, this teaches them the central values of determination, team-work and resilience, while also allowing them to dig great big holes in the earth with absolutely no promise of any intrinsic reward, so we’re setting them up well for the future.”