Monkey News

Hark the herald angels sing, his bloody Auntie’s nicked my gin

A large crash resounded across the UK today, as thousands of mothers’ hopes of a relaxing Christmas were simultaneously shattered.

While circumnavigating the treacheries of festive shopping, coupled with being a working parent, it suddenly dawned on them, that Christmas was in fact a steaming pile of shit.


Having spent a months wages on festive tat, which was likely to be ignored after twenty four hours, the reality of their houses being filled with screaming kids and distant flatulent relatives requiring waitress service, hit home with a bang.

Having been woken with three hours sleep on an airbed, all they could realistically look forward to, was wall to wall drudgery, watching their spirit cabinet disappear and watching their lazy families eat their body weight in Quality Street.

With partners trailing round bargain bins on Christmas Eve, the odds of getting a decent present were looking slim too. With hair removal kits and a body shop sets flying off the shelves, all hope was lost.

Havoc then followed, as thousands of women stampeded to the supermarkets, filling their cars to the brim with crates of gin and prosecco. One woman commented- “Sod the turkey, where the fuck is the pink gin?’’

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Written by Lady Tamsyn Marie

Lady Tamsyn Marie elegant, charming and more vicious than Mary Poppins
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