Monkey News

Brexit problem solved by having one week’s No Brexit, one week’s Soft Brexit and finally a good hard one

Ian Napton, has come up with a Brexit solution so ingenious he can’t believe no one ever thought of it before.

I was sitting in the bath, mulling things over and I had this eureka moment. I suddenly realised the answer was to give everyone what they think they want.” he explained.

He proposes a cycle of one week’s No Brexit, followed by one week of Soft Brexit and then a week of Hard Brexit on a repeating cycle.

Under No Brexit everything carries on as normal. This means no roaming charges, Waitrose get their Parmigiano and diabetics get their insulin.

During Soft Brexit, tightens things up a bit. We can do our dodgy, non-EU approved deals and relax some of the onerous working and safety regulations. Business gets time off from all that Red Tape.

During Hard Brexit we can start deporting people, sign trade deals with despicable regimes or minor nations and say f**k the French, while the rich can get on with their tax-dodging.

Initially, there’ll be a bit of a back-log at the ports but as it’s followed by No Brexit, it should be cleared by Tuesday. Eventually business will realise and give their drivers every third week off.

The Irish Border gets resolved with a classic British fudge. We start building the Hard Border on the Monday, and dismantling it on the Wednesday. Given the time-keeping reputation of Irish builders it will, in reality, never get built at all.

The beauty of the scheme is that everyone can claim they’ve won and everyone can get back to living their lives.

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