In a bid to grab hold of the best talent at the lowest price, Chelsea FC have lodged a bid for an unborn foetus currently gestating in the womb of a North London housewife.
Director of Soccerball, Mike Van Der Mike explained this interesting move: “We’re always looking for new ways to hoard talent. We’ve tried getting them young – at age 6 or 7, we even bid £10m for Raheem Sterling’s kid after that Instagram video of him kicking a ball around, but at this age you’re always going to be competing with the other big clubs.”
Asked whether he could be sure the unborn child was going to be a top talent, Van Der Mike was confident: “We’ve spoken to his mother, she promised to sit him near the television when there’s football on. As soon as he’s born we’ll wrap up in one of Frank Lampard’s old shirts and start showing him videos of Tore Andre Flo.”
One of the more controversial aspects of the deal is that the father is not allowed to play football with the lad. Mr Mike explained, “We’ve put too much money into the lad to have his dad come along and ruin him, bloody fathers are a pain in the arse.”
The future giant of the game will attend Chelsea’s special pre-school where, instead of learning to read and write, he’ll practise doing post-match media duties in the special toddlers mixed-zone.
Van Der Mike added,“We’ll also be setting him up with a pre-prepared Instagram account, so he can begin sending out inane messages like ‘One game at a time’ and ‘We go again on Thursday lads’, to really help him engage with the fans.”