Monkey Business

NHS turns to Shamen, spiritualists and colour therapists to ease the post-Brexit staffing crisis

Facing a drastic shortfall in post-Brexit, NHS, staffing levels, the Government have released details of their contingency planning. Hospital staff  numbers will be boosted by a range of alternative therapists such as Shamen, Spiritualists, Faith Healers, Homeopaths and Reflexologists.

The NHS also plans to turn existing ‘contemplation and worship spaces’ into dedicated, cutting edge, ‘Thoughts & Prayers (T&P)’ treatment centres.

In T&P, staff, family members and volunteers pray endlessly for a miracle. “This is a very exciting branch of therapy that’s proving very successful in the States. It’s very low-cost, anyone can do it. It works just like voting on the X Factor, if the sick person gets enough votes then the almighty saves them.” explained Ian Napton.

T&P will also utilise Social Media, where people will be able to send healing thoughts as part of carefully orchestrated click-bait campaigns. People will now know that clicking, ‘Like’, ‘Retweeting’ and ‘Sharing’ annoyingly emotive posts will actually be doing some good.

Accident & Emergency departments and Ambulance Crew shortfalls are to be topped up with a Mum’s Army, who will provide emergency treatment using a range of  “There, there, Mummy kiss it better” therapies. They have already begun stockpiling hankies.

Administrators have confirmed they will accept any suitably qualified practitioner in crackpot therapy, with a degree from an internet based University, Religious School or the University of Texas. There will be a requirement for post-graduate training, with all new staff receiving a box of scented candles and some nice crystals.

Critics have claimed if we hadn’t pissed off all those foreign doctors and nurses by turning into a nation of racist arseholes all of this could have been avoided. The Government said that kind of negativity spreads a bad karma.

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