Monkey News

Man with a slight head cold insists he is on the verge of death

Ian Napton, a perfectly healthy man, in his early thirties, insists that as he is suffering from a slight cold he’s on the verge of death.

It was horrible, I felt a bit of a sniffle and had a couple of sneezes and that was it, I was done in. Of course I immediately took to my bed, armed with nothing more than a couple of good books, my mobile, the laptop, the TV Remote and a Classic Car magazine. There was no telling how long I was going to be off my feet, I thought I was going to die.”

Scientists say that over the Xmas period incidences of infection increase as families and friends inflict their germ infested children on each other, usually in an enclosed environments, quickly spreading cold and flu viruses.

Ian’s wife, Gillian, said she thought that was a load of old tosh made up by male scientists to justify having a few days in bed. “This happens every year, we get Xmas out of the way and he takes to his bed for a few days. Usually when the next series of Top Gear or The Grand Tour is about to start. I end up running up and down the stairs with tissues, hot lemon, bowls of Tomato Soup, tea and chocolate digestives. What does he do with all those tissues?”

She went on to add, “It’s alright for his nibs but I’ve still got to carry on. I don’t get to lie around all day.”

The prognosis is good and Ian feels the scare has passed and he’ll be able to return to work by the middle of next week.

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