Ian Napton has been admitted to the Priory suffering from an acute, stress-related, illness.

Problems began early on Saturday, as Gillian, his wife, was inconveniently called to a family emergency. With only nine hours sleep, he was unceremoniously thrust both out of his bed and comfort zone, when his two-year old inserted a Cheerio up his left nostril.

Further anxiety provoking scenes ensued, when Ian discovered there was no milk for his coffee, his son was potty-training and that his mother was unable to rush to his aid. Volunteering at the local shelter was, apparently, a higher priority.

Speaking timidly, Ian mused- ‘’It was unbearable. I had no idea where my pants were and there was only food in the fridge – not one single beer.’’

More distressingly, he went on to say ’’My son wouldn’t let me watch YouTube clips. I was forced to watch Teletubbies all day.’’

Matters continued to escalate, when his other coping strategies failed. Not only did he miss the match but he was also barred from his local, when his son followed through on the shabby-chic dresser.

With few options left available to him, Ian bravely negotiated the perils of peaktime Asda, in an attempt to garner help and sympathy from maternal middle-aged women.

At the time of press, Ian remains in a critical condition – largely very critical of his wife and mother.

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Written by Lady Tamsyn Marie

Lady Tamsyn Marie elegant, charming and more vicious than Mary Poppins