Monkey News

Ancestral history programme reveals Danny Dyer is next in line for the throne, All Hail King Dan

A constitutional crises has erupted following the latest series of “Who the f**k r u?”, the programme investigating the ancestry of celebrities; in search of scandal, title tattle and giving them a chance to act like they care about people they’ve never heard of.

During the latest series it transpired that Danny Dyer was a direct descendent of Edward III. It appears there was confusion about bloodlines during the time of Beseechious the Unfortunately Named and the wrong royal bloodline took over. 

Ancestral experts retraced family trees and corrected the line of succession before concluding Danny Dyer should be King, even though he’s French.

In deference to Queen Elizabeth, and to avoid upsetting Daily Mail readers, she’ll be allowed to complete her reign before King Danny is crowned.

Ian Napton, aide to the Heir Apparent explained, “Well, he’s f***in’ chuffed to nuts, like. The geezer never expected nuffin like this. He’s looking forward to playin with the sword and moving the Royal Palace to Colchester.”

A spokesperson for the Duke of Edinburgh explained he’d thought the whole thing hilarious, adding, “It’s a bit of a blow for Charles, having waited so long to be King, but Elizabeth and Philip are quite relieved, they never thought he was quite right for the role. They think King Dan will be breath of fresh air.”

Meanwhile the BBC’s Royal Sycophant Unit swang into action, praising King Danny I. They’ve put a new bleep machine on order and are thinking of turning the State Opening of Parliament into a 6 part comedy series.

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