Plans are afoot to move the Royal Family out of London if summer rioting breaks out

Whitehall sources have confirmed that plans originally drawn up during the Cold War to evacuate the Royal Family out of London in the event of nuclear attack have been “repurposed” in anticipation of civil unrest after a No Deal Brexit.

Ian Napton, a Whitehall spokesman, said, “We’re all set to smuggle The Queen and The Duke of Edinburgh out of town if we need to. Their destination is, of course, top secret.”

Sources close to the Royal Family have suggested that there’s some disagreement on where they would prefer to go until the coast is clear at home. “Wales is out of favour, they gave it to Charles in 1969 and have never wanted it back. Scotland they love, but they’re not entirely convinced it’s a mutual thing, and they’re still not welcome at Althorp.

Rumours are afoot that The Duke favours Las Vegas, egged on by Prince Harry, but The Queen considers Americans vulgar; people who hold a fork in their right hand cannot be trusted. She is thought to favour a small island, somewhere the ‘ol bugger can’t drive or if he does at least he won’t hit anyone.

She was also reported to have said that if the government hadn’t turned the Royal Yacht into an amusement arcade in a shopping mall, they could have used that.

There is a second rumour that a very wealthy unidentified American with a fondness for gold has offered to rent Buckingham Palace for the period the Royals are away, although this would surely be met with short shrift by The Queen.