Monkey Life

A miraculous, common sense, cure for mental health issues, has been successfully rolled out by the Health Secretary with a degree in Economics

With absolutely no medical or scientific expertise Stephen Hammond, the Health Secretary, has pioneered and new, common sense mental health therapy, which has achieved stunning results, at low cost and in a very short space of time.

With pioneering advancement, the ‘Conservatives Universal Natural Therapy’, leans towards a common sense approach. Patients are told to ‘lighten-up’, ‘look on the bright side’, ‘be positive’ and ‘pull yourself together’. Additionally, all patients are given a free copies of Monty Python’s ‘Always Look on the Bright Side of Life‘ and ‘Suicide is Painless’ the theme tune to M*A*S*H.

Findings from an independent survey, show astonishing improvements to all those previously incapacitated with poor mental health. Sensational results have been widely reported, by the Minister.

One sufferer, Gillian Napton, felt as if a ‘weight had been lifted’ from her shoulders. Speaking profoundly, she mused, ‘’For years, I have dabbled with multiple medications and therapy programmes, which made little impact. I’d honestly never tried any of those suggestions before.’’ She went on to say, ‘’Within minutes, I was skipping to the dustbin, throwing my tablets away.’’

In fact, the programme’s low budget, coupled with its phenomenal outcomes, have triggered other ministers to mirror a similar approach. Housing secretary, James Brokenshire, has taken to the streets to tell homeless people to ‘’get a job’’, ‘’you don’t look like you should be homeless.’’ 

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