School staff were left speechless, when they discovered that one of their pupils had completed their half term project independently.

Unsure how to respond appropriately, teachers were initially cautious, at this bizarre turn of events. Mother of three, Gillian Napton, broke the silence by confessing, ‘Look, I know it’s a pile of shite but it will have to do. My sanity is in shreds and my ears are bleeding, from having to tame these feral beasts for a week.’

Complete with spelling and punctuation errors, the labelled model was declared authentic by the headteacher, then was promptly awarded the highly acclaimed gold star.

Astounded by this extraordinary feat, panic ensued in the playground. One parent, who wished to remain anonymous, felt her child had been traumatised, ‘Branbantia’s self-esteem has plummeted. How can her scale model of Hever Castle, complete with a fully operational drawbridge and koi-carp, be unworthy of this accolade?

Unperturbed by these reactions, Napton declined to comment any further, insisting she left immediately for an appointment with a large coffee and ‘This Morning.’

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Written by Lady Tamsyn Marie

Lady Tamsyn Marie elegant, charming and more vicious than Mary Poppins