RIP – the lion hearted champion of truth, decency and traditional, white, middle-class values, that was The Daily Mail

In the modern era of high-quality online news websites, The Daily Mail has finally announced its imminent closure.

We haven’t printed any truthful news for nearly thirty years,” said Deputy Editor, Ian Napton. “Nobody here could accept how The Conservative Party treated Margaret, and our hearts haven’t quite been in it ever since. We run stories about house prices, cancer, immigrants, The Royal Family and the EU because people expect us to, but truthfully, I pay my twelve year old daughter a fiver a week to write those.”

Hard-hitting, truth-seeking sites, including The Chatty Chimp, have been seen in recent times to get straight to the heart of society, publishing the news old school newspapers dare not print. “Boris knows exactly what he is, so he’s never offended when we call him it,” said the editor of newly established website www.borisisa****.com

And Ian Al-Fayed, the editor of The New Republican, added, “When it became common knowledge that Murdoch is simply the Royal Family’s puppet, and it’s really them who own the popular press and Sky TV, it all became clear why there are so many sycophantic documentaries and complimentary column inches about them.”

The Daily Mail, meanwhile, will be mourned by its dedicated readership, who will no doubt turn to reading the Tory Party manifesto every morning for reassuring extremist claptrap.