Gladiator Schools are to be re-introduced into Britain in an effort to reduce soaring levels of knife violence amongst teenagers.
The novel suggestion was made by Sir Christopher Chope MP, during a discussion with senior police officers.
His proposed training teenagers in martial arts so they’d be better at defending themselves. Police were initially stunned by the idea, but then they remembered who they were dealing with.
Sir Christopher refuted the idea that the knife crime epidemic was a direct result of government cuts to; state benefits, social and youth services, education and policing.
He preferred to blame; poor parenting, violent video games, a general decline in social standards, the ending of capital punishment and the lack of religious teaching in schools.
Ian Napton, Sir Christopher’s Arse Wiper, explained other scheme benefits; “The introduction of Gladiator Schools will revitalise the teaching of History, as a truly immersive experience. The students can learn practical Biology when they patch up the wounded. And no longer will the school sports day be a long drawn out, boring affair, where its the ‘taking part’ that counts. Under Gladiator Rules, its definitely not just the taking part that counts, more the not being chopped into little pieces.”
It’s understood one police officer refrained from saying, “That man is a fucking idiot.” preferring, ‘It’s certainly a novel suggestion!”.
Daily Mail readers were all in favour of the idea and Sky have put in a bid for live coverage. Are you not entertained?
The Origin of the ‘Gladiator Schools’ Story
It is fair to say we were a little amazed that an MP would suggest that the answer to knife crime was to make teenagers fitter, so they could run away and to train them in MMA so they could defend themselves.
As any child of 5 could work out the issues with this scenario we didn’t bother with this aspect. We wondered, why not go the whole hog? Why not go back to knife fighting school. Hence Gladiator School.
Just to prove we did not make up the original source, here is the Sky report; https://news.sky.com/story/tory-mp-christopher-chope-suggests-people-get-fitter-to-avoid-knife-attacks
We have had covered Sir Christopher Chope before, in his obituary; https://chattychimp.co/2019/02/10/rip-sir-christopher-chode-mp-