Britain's Kennedy, Bozo Johnson diesThe Monkey Graveyard

RIP – Boris ‘Bozo’ Johnson the best PM we never had

Sadly, Bozo Johnson has suddenly died. Details are sketchy but it appears he suffered an unfortunate accident with a mashie-niblick, after his best friend unexpectedly returned from golf. The lady of the house was unharmed.

Due to become Prime Minister, the untimely death of the noted scamp, womaniser and disingenuous motherfucker has deprived the country of one of the best leaders we never had.

Bozo’s public reputation improved following his death. With no chance of him taking office, he’s now considered the greatest statesman of the age, a refreshing change and Britain’s John F Kennedy.

It’s our loss that many of Bozo’s greatest schemes never materialised, his unbuilt £53 Million Pound Garden Bridge for example. The builder trousered £23 Million for not building it, describing it as ‘The easiest money I’ve ever earned.

A passionate social justice campaigner, Bozo battled to end in-work poverty, claiming “£141,000 a year is not enough to live on”. His message resonated with the common man, who saw him as one of their own.

Being a dedicated upholder of democracy, Bozo admitted voting even when there were no elections. An inspiring reminder to us all that democracy requires constant vigilance.

One of the Tory Party’s Grand Wizards, he played a key role in Brexit, being for; remaining, leaving with or without a deal, fully leaving, partly going, leaving with sense of ennui, supporting Theresa, not supporting Theresa, in favour and against a 2nd referendum and being an inspiration on Brexit to Jeremy Corbyn.

One of the last true all-rounders, Bozo’s other failures included; unusable water-cannon, Boris Island, Bridges to Ireland and France, relationships, jobs, made up quotes and articles, references to ‘picannies’ with ‘water-melon smiles’, Mrs Zaghari-Ratcliffe, a State visit to Donald Trump who refused to meet him, West Ham, pollution catching glue, a zip-wire, a cable-car in Greenwich, Turkey, Myanmar, Barack Obama, Liverpool, his friends wives and accounting.

One posh Friday Night TV panellist mourned his loss, exclaiming ‘Phew! That was a near miss’. Hopefully, we shall not see his like again.