Month: June 2019

Boris Johnson announces new points based immigration test

What's your shade?

As part of his campaign to say anything in order to become Prime Minister further details of Boris Johnson’s points-based immigration system have emerged.

New arrivals will be given a points value based on how Brown they are according to The Painters Colour Chart. The darker the shade the fewer the points.

Due to Liverpool’s high sun bed usage some residents may get caught at airport security, but the Government thinks this is a small price to pay.

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Boris de Pfeffel Johnson is the reincarnation of Sir Lancelot du Lac claims spiritualist

Sir Lancelot

Spiritualist claims that Boris de Pfeffel Johnson is the reincarnation of Sir Lancelot du Lac, heroic knight, legendary swordsman, jouster and jester.

Spiritualist, fortune teller and seer beyond the veil, Zofia Napattoni, believes that Boris Johnson is the reincarnation of the heroic knight, Sir Lancelot.

Ancient myth says that when Britain is threatened a hero will come to lead the people to safety and, according to Zofia, Boris is the man.

ARISE SIR BORIS THE RANDY!

£20,000 train ticket after Prince Charles used GWR’s On-Line booking site

The Royal Household’s annual budget came under scrutiny yet again today after it was revealed that the Prince of Wales had spent £20,000 on a train journey from London to Port Talbot.

It is understood that where the Prince would ordinarily allow his Private Secretary’s team to take care of such mundane matters, he was intrigued to have a go at booking a train ticket online himself, with expensive consequences.

One does ones best!

Harry and Meg’s kitchen makeover comes in at £2.4 million

Kitchen makeover

Harry and Meg’s kitchen makeover comes in at £2.4 million after Chris Grayling oversees the installation

Royal sycophants at the BBC and Daily Mail were left trying to justify why the Golden Couple can spend £2.4 million of tax-payers money on the renovation of their private residence, Frogmore Cottage.

However, their problems were solved after it emerged that the kitchen makeover project was given to Chris Grayling to handle.

It’s Chris Grayling, what did you expect?
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