Monkey Business

The Tory leadership race – brought to you by Coke

Members of the Conservative Party have set out on the task to decide which Leadership candidate’s drug habit will be most valuable in identifying the right man or woman to become Prime Minister and get us out of the beastly EU.

Michael Gove has admitted to taking cocaine at social events “whilst a young journalist.” Boris Johnson has admitted to “being given coke at a party, but I didn’t take it.” Dominic Raab believes in a “second chance society.” Well he would. He has a cannabis history. Rory Stewart is a cannabis and opium man, too.

In fact, the Tories are falling over themselves to admit to previous misdemeanours – misdemeanours which “this Government condemns” until such time as actual Ministers are caught with their trousers down and lines of suspicious white powder in their offices.

Esther McVey, who, it would appear, might not have a drug history to boast of, is expected to out herself over a speed awareness course.

A Tory Insider, Ian Napton, said, “We all did things when we were younger which we might not do now, and we, as a Party, aren’t unduly concerned by any of these admissions. And let’s face it, none of these drug experimenters are nearly as evil as Jeremy Chunt, whose record of denying drugs to the NHS makes him a suitable Leader.”

A spokesman for the BBC has denied that Laura Kuenssberg was caught on microphone saying that “you’d need to be on drugs to want to be their Leader.”

Brexit continues.

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