Johanna Konta trying to hit a tennis ballMonkey Games

British Tennis officially graded as ‘shite again’

Thanks to Johanna Konta’s run to the semi-finals of the French Open tennis championships in Paris this week, Britain’s standing in the Ladies’ World Ranking has raced back up to 159th place, just behind Tahiti.

Sue Barker said, “Johanna did amazingly well, losing only to a 19 year old who’d never reached a semi-final before. If she hadn’t done so well, we might have dropped out of the top 200.”

Australian-born Konta is the latest overseas star to represent Britain in top flight sport, and questions are being asked behind the scenes in the men’s game as to why no effort was made to sign Roger Federer all those years ago when he showed early promise. “We decided to go with Greg Rusedski at the time, but we won’t let the likes of Federer slip through our grasp again,” said Ian Napton, a spokesman for the All England Lawn Tennis Club (the AELTC). “We understand the importance of looking abroad for tennis talent now. Nobody in this country even knows how to hold a bat properly.

With the Wimbledon Championships around the corner, pressure is on the Australian to earn British Ladies’ Tennis a place in the top 150. Meanwhile, the AELTC will be pursuing its own excellence during the Championships in the field of selling very expensive corporate hospitality and overpriced public catering. Giles Giles, from the AELTC’s Marketing Department, said, “We’re expecting to be flogging strawberries long after the last British loser goes out.”

BBC coverage of the Championship commences on day one with the finest of overseas commentary talent signed up after viewers were unable to understand Andy Murray’s accent last year.

Let’s go, Konta, let’s go.

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