As Tory leadership candidates are revealed the country cries “Please stay, Theresa!”

The 67.3 million people who are not members of the Conservative Party have announced that  “it’s OK, Theresa can continue as Prime Minister, after all.”

The Tory Beauty Parade has turned out to be quite ugly, hasn’t it?” said Ian Napton, a commuter at Waterloo Station. “When the choice boils down to a bunch of drug users and c****, and all of them make you want to punch them in the face really hard, you suddenly start to see a positive side to Theresa May, don’t you?”

A “TM-4-PM” march is expected through Westminster on Saturday afternoon, and notable speakers are rumoured to include Jeremy Corbyn and Rachel Johnson. Corbyn told The Chatty Chimp, “The best we can hope for is the least worst option. Nobody will elect me Prime Minister, and have you seen the horrendous line up they have? Come back Theresa, I may even vote for your deal.”

A spokesman for the outgoing Prime Minister said, “Are you kidding? She’s already lined up her book deal and some after dinner speaking. Cameron bought a fancy garden shed with his book advance to write his memoirs in. She’s going to make a fortune. She’d never return to this dreadful mess.

Brexit continues.