MP and Toy Soldier Mark Francois has been publicly outed as a secret Ninja. Mark’s alter ego was revealed when he publicly announced that he had signed a death warrant on an Anti-Brexit campaigner.

It’s long been supposed that Mark was no stranger to silently delivering death, having previously admitted peeling potatoes on a Territorial Army camping trip to Wiltshire. What surprised onlookers was that he was so versed in the most covert and feared of the martial arts.

Apparently, Mark was trained from a very early age in the dark secrets of the unseen assassin. A diet of Bruce Lee and Steven Segal movies honed his fighting skills. Two nights on a John Noakes adventure weekend in the Cairngorns taught him to master concealment. His close combat skills were sharpened in Currys Black Friday Sale Event, when he was tasked with acquiring a 42” Samsung Flat Screen of £100.

Under Offensive Weapons Legislation he has been forced to register his halitosis and body odour as lethal chemical agents. His hands currently remain unlicensed.

One training partner confirmed that as part of his deep cover assassin’s disguise, he wears a fat suit. Underneath it he is in prime fighting shape and capable of dispensing death with an over vigorous raising of the eyebrow.

Ladbrokes immediately opened a book on how the Anti-Brexit campaigner would die, with ‘an overwhelming sense of futility and despair’ the early favourite.

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Written by Sir Drinkalot

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