A Conservative MP has been praised for saving dozens of fatcat bankers from a potential milkshaking.
The protestor who burst into the bankers’ dinner party was later found to have minute quantities of ‘a dairy-related substance’ on her hands and clothes, indicating she had recently been in the presence of milkshake, or a similar deadly weapon such as yoghurt.
Heroic hero Mark Field was reluctant to talk about his heroic heroics. “The stench of sanctimonious middle-class self-satisfaction as the doors opened told me the threat level was high,” he told The Chimp. “With one glance at the 5 ft 2 female eco-terrorist I was able to ascertain that she was probably vegan, and therefore weak as butterfly piss, so I assessed that the correct response was over-the-top all-out manhandling. I punched her in the tits and dragged her out of the room with an SAS death grip to the carotid artery.”
Fellow diner Dennis Trumpton-Eton, a senior adviser at SnoutTrough Investments, which trades as yourmoneyisourmoney.com, praised Mr Field for his swift action. “These people have no idea of the quality of port that was on that table,” he fumed. “One drop of their proletarian filthshake on the tablecloth, and we’d have had to charge the taxpayer for another 30 bottles of Torydonor Special Reserve. So think yourselves lucky Mark intervened, all you moaning minions.”
“Dairy was definitely present,” said forensics expert Mark Field-Norelation Jr. “Although no weapons were recovered from the scene, our tests reveal the presence of small drops of a Five Guys banana and salted caramel shake on the suspect’s body. This was a viscous attack, which if it had been successful would have led to the biggest dry-cleaning operation ever seen on the UK mainland.”
An Extinction Rebellion Spokesthem was appalled by the allegation. “Oh, so it’s a coincidence that the evidence found is exactly the same flavour and brand as the shake seized by police after the Newcastle action against Nigel Farage last month, is it? I don’t think so!“
“It’s clearly a stitch up. None of our members has ever touched any animal product other than the tears of slaughtered baby lambs and the many animal-tested medicines and supplements without which we’d all have died from rickets years ago.”
Asked to confirm they were claiming the evidence was a plant, the spokesthem said: “Of course it’s a plant! The traces are from a £17.50 Soy and Quinoa EarthTeat Blandshake from The We’re Right But Fuck Me Don’t We Know It Cafe in Islington.”