As part of his campaign to say anything in order to become Prime Minister further details of Boris Johnson’s points-based immigration system have emerged.
New arrivals will be given a points value based on how Brown they are according to The Painters Colour Chart. The darker the shade the fewer the points.
Due to Liverpool’s high sun bed usage some residents may get caught at airport security, but the Government thinks this is a small price to pay.
Boris Johnson’s ideas man, Ian Napton, claims the system offers many advantages; it’s cheap, it doesn’t rely on undeveloped technology so it can’t crash, it’s very easy to train out and processing is quick and efficient, so reducing border delays.
Additionally, the Government won’t need to pay printing costs as a customs officer can pick up the swatches from B&Q on his way in to work.
Some people are obviously exempt. For example, those with an appalling record on human rights, arms dealers, fraudsters, investment bankers, oligarchs, tax-dodgers, anyone who was a school with Bozo, deposed dictators and corrupt politicians won’t have to show their forearms.
Mr Napton denied claims from Snowflakes that this was an appalling way to treat people. Adding that, “The Conservative Party is not institutionally racist, we just don’t like poor brown people coming to Britain. Anyway, as long as we say its points based no-one will think it’s racist.”
A spokesman for Jeremy Hunt said “Why didn’t we think of that? The party are going to love it! Ah Well! at least I get the summer off.”