Following a steady decline in the state of the United States, Democrats and Republicans have approached Queen Elizabeth asking her to take America back.

Concerned that America’s become a global laughing stock and appalled at the evermore erratic behaviour of their President, The Yanks want The Queen to run things again. Having watched The Crown on Netflix, Americans feel that Lizzie will bring a bit of decorum, decency and self-respect to the troubled nation. At least Her Majesty won’t be a national embarrassment every time she opens her mouth.

A Buckingham Palace spokesperson confirmed that The Palace was pleased to be asked, but must decline. Queenie is winding down and only working part time until retirement. Liz wants to spend more time helping out at the Kensington WRVS Shop. She has a lovely recipe for Gooseberry jam that should do well.

However, The Firm would be happy to send Harry and his bint over. It would be good to find a job for him and they’d prefer somewhere abroad. Although word to the wise, don’t let him go to Vegas on his own.

Secretly, The Queen was delighted to receive the offer, saying “It may have taken 243 years but they always come back in the end. Tell them to rip up the Declaration of Independence, change the flags and I’ll send over a PDF of my face for the money, then we will send Harry and Meg out on the next flight.”