Armitage Shanks signs for Manchester United

Man Utd fans around the globe were thrilled this week to learn of the club’s latest acquisition, announced with a glitzy social media post, as the club revealed a stunning coup as they made Armitage Shanks their official urinal partner for 2019-20.

Fanzine writer, Fergus McGiggs, gave his thoughts, “This is wonderful news. For years the club has laboured along with sub-par bathroom supply partners, this signing announces our return to football’s top table. Our fans can’t wait to get into Old Trafford to try out the new facilities.”

However, not all fans were as enthusiastic, “This is backwards thinking. What the fans really wanted was an overpriced, hard-to-pronounce foreign urinal partner, something from South America with a lot of promise that might well break down or leak in mid-season but really made you excited to get up out of your seat to take a piss. Personally, I’ll be going before the match from now on.”

Elsewhere, United are still in the market for an official bog roll partner for the new season, having parted ways with Cushelle at the end of the last campaign, a move that was backed by rival fanzine writer, Todd Marshall, “Cushelle just wasn’t working for us. It’s a solid, workmanlike bog-roll but nothing that’s really gonna get fans off their seats. I’ve got a mate who’s been telling me about Renova – it’s Italian and I don’t know much about it, so I think that’s definitely the one to reinvigorate the toilet-going experience at Old Trafford.”