Here at The Chatty Chimp we are delighted to announce the journalistic coup of the week. We’ve managed to sign Boris Johnson as a writer on our little paper.
It wasn’t easy getting Boris to give up his £275,000 per year column at the Daily Torygraph, but the offer of free peanuts, bananas, tea, his own tyre swing and the promise of first crack at the new interns did the trick.
Chatty explained, “As you all know Boris was sacked from The Times for making up stories. Well, The Times’s loss is our gain, that’s exactly what we want him to do here. The more outlandish the story the better. It’s all second nature to the fellow.”
The Board are delighted by the announcement, their only request is that he’s kept away from the Petty Cash tin and that he pays his own expenses. This seems entirely reasonable.
During negotiations there was some discussion about Editorial license. Chatty explained that as a satirical newspaper, it’s our job to make stuff up.
So, the only sanction on Boris’s stories is that they can’t be true. No writing down what he did to today.
The last thing we want to do is be accused of delivering Fake News. All our stories are completely Made Up, something we are very proud of.
Mr Johnson has confirmed that should he become the next Prime Minister it will have no effect on his contributions to The Chatty Chimp. Boris has promised to put in as much effort at Number 10 as he did when he was Foreign Secretary.