Trump says ‘Hey guys! these shootings aren’t cool’

President Trump has caused widespread alarm again, this time on his own doorstep.

Following two high profile mass shootings in Texas and Ohio, the President’s language lurched at first towards cautious common sense and then to the actual bleeding obvious. “Perhaps more has to be done” he ventured, before going the whole hog, saying, “This has been going on for years, for years and years in our country and we have to get it stopped.

This namby-pamby liberal talk has caused widespread alarm in a country where mass shootings happen most days. Southerners have been especially offended by a President they believe has caved in to intenational condemnation of America’s resistance towards gun control.

Billy-Bob Napton, who regards himself as “just an average American,” told us, “It’s my constitutional right to defend myself in public places like supermarkets, churches and colleges. I need assault rifles to do this and no wishy-washy president is going to take my rights away.”

Commentators have speculated that the President has woken up to the idea that America might “look bad” in the eyes of the rest of the world.

Restricting gun availability is obviously impossible, so saying the right thing seems like a good and cheaper option for a President who, deep down, doesn’t give a damn anyway.

Meanwhile, shopping centres, schools and other public venues are on standby to activate their lockdown drill, pending confirmation of the location of today’s mass murder.