Search and Rescue helicopter called out to find missing Edinburgh Festival journalist.

A Guardian journalist has now been missing for 3 days and local police have upgraded their alert status from critical to pretentious.

Quintin Quinoa was last spotted in the Assembly Rooms, disappearing up his own arse while critiquing a sound and light experiment performed by the University of Chinese Subsidies, and fears are now growing for his safety.

“Any search and rescue mission, conducted in the lower colon of a member of the liberal elite, has considerable challenges for my team.” Explained Flight Lieutenant Brownwings. “Flying a Chinook CH-47 is never easy at the best of times. But when you factor in a print journalist’s sphincter reaction to free, crowd sourced and audience driven online reviews, the environment is very tight indeed”.

Police have asked family and friends to be increasingly vigilante as their loved ones go to Edinburgh. It’s very easy for members of the English Literatti to become inextricably lost in their lower intestines as they watch the endless rounds of Kabuki Theatre, interpretive dance and exciting university improv sketch comedy.

The Evening Standard have lost three journalists after they booked a group ticket to a four-hour production of Chi channelling Immersive Whale Song, designed to provide a searing commentary on 17th Century Somalian Bicycle manufacture.

If you suspect that someone you know has left the North London area in order to visit Edinburgh in August, please make sure they are safe. Ask them to check in on a regular basis. Remember that once a Guardianista has totally disappeared up their own arse getting help quickly can make all the difference.

Emergency packs of Lee Mack’s stand up show are downloadable from the Fringe website.