The European Research Group has announced the completion of their 3-year, £250,000 Government funded, study into Europe, all of it.

Project Leader and Chief Scientist, Professor Jacob Rees-Mogg, was suitably delighted at the successful completion of his academic paper. “We are delighted to reveal that after a series of studies, experiments and visits we can confirm that Europe is exactly what we thought it was in the first place. It’s full of Johnnie Foreigners.”

The ERG’S Senior Researcher, Dr Marc Francois, “Well, my team was sent on a day trip to Calais where we discovered that the French were all unwashed, impolite, cigarette smoking lefties. As a result of this visit, we were able to restock the wine cellar and infer that all the familiar European stereotypes were correct. The Italians hadn’t finished building anything since the Renaissance, the Germans were very efficient but joyless automatons, and the Dutch were a nation of drugged-up hippies and sex addicts. And then there was Belgium. None of it was very British, you just felt that after 40 years in the EU they should be more like us.”

One startling result was how ignorant Europeans were of key elements of British History. No one interviewed knew the date of the battles of Trafalgar, Waterloo and Agincourt. They were very unsure who Queen Victoria was, and no one knew the second verse of The National Anthem.

“I think the problems with Europe all started when they stopped using Latin as the Lingua Franca. Now they all have their own languages and customs it’s almost as though they think they are as good as us.” Said Professor Rees-Mogg.


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