Old Trafford, home of Manchester United, has decided to follow the lead of Oxford University by banning clapping from their ground.
The academics have decided the noise generated by everyone clapping creates an intimidating atmosphere, which means those of lesser ability, talent or just lacking pride, passion and backbone feel undermined and less able to reach their full potential.
One former legend said, “Ever since Ferguson left all we’ve done is try and bore the opposition to death. We used to play exciting, attractive, attacking football, now we couldn’t find the oppositions half with an A to Z and a Tom Tom.”
He added, “We used to walk into a thunderous rendition of Glory, Glory and now it’s 4′ 33″ by John Cage. There’s more atmosphere at a funeral. Adopting the no clapping policy won’t change anything.”
A spokesman for Manchester United confirmed the ban on applause will be extended to include the players, thus stopping them from using a sarcastic clap, as it, “Undermines the authority of the bastard in the black.”
Supporters will be encouraged to use hand gestures, such as jizz hands, to show their opinion of what is happening on the pitch. Mastering this skill shouldn’t pose a problem for the fans, as many of them are already experts in vigorously shaking their right hand up and down.
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Manchester United, displaying a legendary use of irony, nicknamed their stadium the ‘Theatre of Dreams’. Banksy painted a piece called ‘Cancelled Dreams’. It’s almost like he knew what was going to happen.
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