Monkey News

Alabama offers political asylum to Tommy Robinson

Following release from one of Her Majesty’s finest hotels, Tommy Robinson has sent out a world-wide plea for political asylum.

Rejected by the electorate, incarcerated by an unforgiving judiciary and disavowed as a racist shite stirrer by his friends at the Daily Mail all he is looking for is a new start and, ironically, as an economic migrant keen to adapt to their ways, an even bigger income.

Claiming to be journalist, Tommy says he was being unjustly targeted by an establishment that ‘can’t handle the truth’ and that he was a political prisoner.

However, it turns out that causing undue distress to victims of horrific sexual abuse, risking a mistrial that would distress them even further and potentially allowing paedophiles to walk out of court was unacceptable and off to clink he went.

The redneck state of Alabama has heard Tommy Robinson’s asylum plea and decided to answer his prayers.

Billy-Bob Napton, Grand Wizard and Governor, said, “Here in Alabama we do things a bit differently. Here was a man being sorely tested. Just like our Lord and Saviour, Tommy is facing his days in the wilderness. As Jesus was tortured, mocked and imprisoned, so Tommy must face his own struggle secure in the knowledge that he has right on his side and that he walks in the shadow of the Lord. We will stand by him.”

The Alabama well wishers have already laid out his ceremonial white sheet along with a monogrammed hammer, some rope, a bag of nails and a petrol can.

Tommy will live in Birmingham, Alabama. He has been assured that it is just like Birmingham in England with its religious homophobia, discrimination, segregation and shitty 1970’s shopping centre.


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Written by Wild Gerald

Gerald has been running around the country, flinging poo, for many years. He is no longer wild, merely slightly annoyed.
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